The Greatest Battle in Life is Marriage
by LuvinAniManga
Summary: Kagura and Okita Sougo have been rivals since the moment they met. No challenge is too great or too small for them to settle, and none is out of bounds. No request, no matter how ridiculous, catches them by surprise. So when Sougo challenges Kagura to marry him during a drinking game, she accepts, with ALL the strings attached. First to cry "divorce" loses. RATED M FOR LEMON.


**AN:** Hi all. I realize I said I don't write fanfiction anymore (and really, I don't, although I get the urge to sometimes…like now), but when started watching Gintama, this idea wouldn't leave my head, and I wanted to see if I could get it down quickly. (In all honestly, I wrote this a year ago and just never got around to posting it, but here it is.) I've tried for humor – hope I haven't failed. I realize the story is labeled Humor/Romance, but it's really only "romance" in the sense of there being sex (hence why humor is listed first). Kagura and Sougo certainly have a love-hate relationship and there is nothing fluffy about this story (fluff between them just seems OOC to me.) Enjoy! Please read and review!

 **Rating** : M for explicit sex. (Not as explicit as some, but not as vague as others.) You've been warned!

 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Gintama.

 **The Greatest Battle in Life is Marriage**

 _LuvinAniManga_

Kagura and Okita Sougo had been rivals since the moment they met. Granted, their personal rivalry was also enmeshed in the greater rivalry between the Yorozuya and the Shinsengumi, but for them, the battle had become personal. Their personal catchphrases seemed to be, "Anything you can do, I can do better," and then they fought it out.

No challenge was too great or too small for them to settle, and none was out of bounds. Feats of strength were only the tip of the iceberg that was their rivalry. Everything from beetle-catching to drinking was game.

No request, no matter how ridiculous, caught them by surprise. They were that stubborn.

One night, Kagura tagged along with Otae to see her big sis in all her fighting glory at Snack Smile. Gin had wanted to come along –for the drinks of course– until Shinpachi pointedly reminded him that they hadn't had a customer in weeks, and were therefore so broke that even a drop of Dom Perignon was too expensive for them. Crushed once again by the weight of that terrible emptiness in his wallet, Gin shuffled back to his couch, lay back, and picked up his weekly Jump issue, consoling himself with a glass of strawberry milk.

Shinpachi waved them off with a gigantic smile, simply happy that this was one of those nights when he would be spared from his sister's latest egg-based mutatio–er, _creations_ , rather.

Kagura herself was feeling extremely upbeat as she walked into Snack Smile, even when the first customer came flying at them.

"OTAE-SAN, YOU'VE COME BACK TO M-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Kondo screamed as Otae delivered a smashing right-hook to his face. She proceeded to stomp on his twitching body, and even Kagura joined in the fun.

There was nothing like a little violence to sweeten her Yato blood.

She grinned maniacally as she kicked Kondo repeatedly where it really hurt, until her smile was washed away with a single word.

"Oi."

Her sadist radar kicked in and she looked up, her face set automatically to "glare mode" as she stared down the mellow First Lieutenant of the Shinsengumi. "What? I'm busy here."

"Can you hurry it up? The boss wants him back at the table. Apparently, it's his turn for their drinking game or whatever."

"Drinking game, huh? I bet you're losing."

Sougo shrugged. "I'm not playing. I'm waiting till either they all die of alcohol poisoning or they're all so drunk they don't notice when I kill Hijikata. I'll gladly foot the bill when it comes to that."

"Tch," Kagura spat. "That's some lame excuse. I bet you just can't hold your alcohol, Sadist."

Sougo leveled a stare at her. "That a challenge, China?"

Kagura leered. Only two things could produce that chilling, primal grin of delight in Kagura: bloody battle and challenging the Sadist. "You're on. First one to puke loses."

"It's a game," Sougo answered, his smile equally malicious.

The drunken Shinsengumi squad made room for them at the booth (or rather, Kagura shoved their limp carcasses out of the way) and she and Sougo settled down on opposite sides. There was still half a bottle of Dom Peri left open on the table, but all the Shinsengumi enforcers were enraptured by the impromptu karaoke performance by their boss and bloodied commander, who had managed to slither back to the table and join in the duet, so none cared as their First Lieutenant and that Yato girl each poured a shot of the liquor for themselves.

"Bottoms up," Sougo said, raising his shot glass in mock salute.

"Hehe, better get used to that position. You'll be leaning over, puking before long," Kagura chuckled. They both drained their shots and went for more.

Their drinking battle continued for the next hour, and the more inebriated they became (although neither would ever admit it), the more vulgar the insults grew.

"Bleh," Kagura said, plugging her nose and waving a hand in front of it. "Your breath stinks like balls. I can smell it all the way over here."

"I'm surprised you even know what they smell like, China. Been hanging around the love-hotels again, have you? I hope you're being careful. That's how diseases spread, you know."

"You jerk! I'm still an innocent. How dare you defile my reputation!"

"Oi, oi!" Sougo called out around the room, "there's a flower here ready for the picking! Do I have any takers?"

"Shut up, you!" she roared, slamming his head into the table. "Like I'd ever let someone like you bargain away my innocence."

"Geez, China, at this rate, you're never gonna get a man."

"I'll get one, you dirty Sadist, and when I do, you can bet he's not going to be anything like you!"

"I'm a pretty good catch, I'll have you know. I'm devilishly handsome; I'm a samurai; I have a steady job with government benefits, which is more than I can say for that no-good, lazy boss of yours–"

"Gin-chan's a million times better than you'll ever be!" she screamed, suddenly lifting up the table and aiming for his head.

Sougo put up his hands, but didn't look properly threatened in Kagura's eyes. "Meh, yeah, well, you probably couldn't handle me anyways. I'd be such an awesome husband, you wouldn't even know what to do."

"I couldn't care less about your husbandry skills!"

"Oi, I'm not a farmer. I don't have any husbandry skills."

"Exactly! You're hardly anyone's idea of a husband. No girl would last a day with you, let alone the rest of her life!"

Sougo suddenly smirked and Kagura felt an icy chill run down her spine. "So you admit it, huh? Even you couldn't handle being with me."

"T-That's not what I said," Kagura faltered, lowering the table and knocking out some Shinsengumi members in the process. " _Other_ girls would easily fall prey to your sadistic madness, but I'm not like those weaklings. I could handle anything you dish out."

Sougo stood up so that he was eye-level with her. "So you're saying you could handle spending the rest of your life with me?"

"Of course! It's _you_ who wouldn't be able to handle a lifetime with me! Yato women aren't like your human women, remember. I'd totally beat you into submission."

"I doubt that. I'm an S, not an M. I don't want to be submissive."

Kagura grinned. "I could totally turn you into an M. Unless you can't take it anymore, that is."

Sougo pinned her with his stare. "Marry me?"

Kagura met him stare for stare. "First one to cry 'divorce' loses."

"It's a game."

Before either one of them could back out, they dragged each other to the local government office to sign the marriage papers. Of course, since it was well past closing hours, no one was there, but they didn't dare go home and plan to come back in the morning in case one decided to back off. The gauntlet had been thrown: they would do or die.

As it was, they waited at the front doors for over nine hours before the first employees started arriving. The confused government employees simply shook their heads and tried to skirt around the pair that had fallen asleep standing up, leaning against one another and the front doors of the office.

When they finally woke up (as it was nearing afternoon), they stampeded into the office, cut to the front of the line (and God help anyone who got in their way), filled out the paperwork in record time, and left an hour later as a married couple.

"Now what?" Kagura asked, still a little sleepy and, truth be told, overwhelmed by the speed of it all.

"I'll have you know, I'm won't stand for doing this halfway, China."

Kagura's mind suddenly jumped into full-alert mode. "What do you mean?"

"I mean you're my wife and I'm your husband. We'll be living together. And we'll be doing what all husbands and wives do." He gave her a pointed stare.

She narrowed her eyes. "You mean *this* and *that*?"

"Yeah."

Kagura felt the slightest tremor of anxiety pass over her at the thought of doing something so intimate with her hated rival, but at the same time, she knew that it was part of the challenge they had laid down last night. One of them would drive the other to divorce, whether by simply living or sleeping together.

"Got it. Where are we gonna live?"

"I'll swing by Yorozuya this afternoon after I get off work," Sougo said. "Have your stuff ready by then. I'll take you to my place."

"Why can't we live at Gin-chan's?"

Sougo raised his brows. "If you're okay with Gin-chan hearing us do *this* and *that,* then–"

"Forget it, I changed my mind!" Kagura exclaimed. It would be hard enough to explain to Gin and Shinpachi that she was leaving, let alone _why_.

"Good. See you at five-thirty."

"Whatever," she said, and they walked off in separate directions.

When Kagura slid open the door to the Yorozuya, she found Shinpachi running around like a chicken with its head cut off and Gin picking his nose on the couch.

"She could be anywhere! Gin-san, do you think she was kidnapped?"

"She's fine," Gin answered, digging for some more gold.

"I'm home," she announced, but no one heard her.

"What if some giant alien parasite attacked her? What if it's eaten her and we're too late?"

"A little parasite couldn't take care of that monster woman," Gin answer, flicking his booger away.

"I'M HOME!" Kagura screamed and both men froze, their heads whipping towards the door.

"Kagura-chan, you're back!" Shinpachi cried. "Where have you been? Aniue-san said that you just disappeared from Snack Smile last night!"

"I got married," Kagura answered, kicking off her shoes.

"Eh? What?" both men asked, cleaning out their ears.

Kagura took a deep breath, then bellowed, "I GOT MARRIED!"

Gin just blinked. Shinpachi looked like a toy robot losing battery life. "But-but-but…what do you mean, Kagura-chan? Surely you're not serious."

"I am," she answered, going to her closet and packing her meager belongings. "I got married, so now I'm going to live at his place."

"His? Who's 'he?!'" Shinpachi screeched.

"Ehhh, you know…the Sadist."

"Sadist?" Shinpachi echoed. Both he and Gin looked at each other and narrowed their eyes in thought. Kagura mentally counted down until the mental light-bulbs clicked on.

"Okita-san?!"

" Soichirou-kun?"

"Yeah, him," Kagura said, pulling out her stash of sukonbu and unconsciously stuffing one in her mouth.

"But…but why?" Shinpachi demanded.

Kagura shrugged. "Just cuz."

"You don't get married "just cuz!" That's why the divorce rate these days is so high!"

"That's the whole point, Shin-chan. Whoever cries "divorce" first, loses."

"You mean this is one of your games? Kagura, this is serious! Tell me you didn't actually get the marriage license!"

"Yep. Got it this morning."

"M-Maybe it's not too late! Maybe they haven't filed the paperwork yet. You know how slow the government is. It takes months to get anything done! Maybe you can just go back and get it annulled."

"Nope. I can't back down. I'm gonna win this," she growled, her mind already filled with images of the Sadist begging for divorce as she stomped on his balls.

"Gin-san, say something about this!"

"Uh…congrats?"

"GAHHHHHH!" 

* * *

Sougo threw a dart at Hijikata Toushiro's head. It stuck. "Hijikata-san, duck."

"You idiot, it's too late for that!" the Vice Commander shouted.

"Darn. I didn't throw it hard enough. That was supposed to spear your brain. Go die, Hijikata."

"Go die, Okita!"

Sougo was about to respond when he heard the five o' clock bells ringing in the distance. "Oh, I'm going to be late. Sorry, Hijikata-san. I'll have to kill you tomorrow."

"Over my dead body you will!"

"That's the plan."

"Damn you, where are you going anyway? Sneaking off for another nap?"

"Hm?" Sougo paused as he slid the door open and looked casually over his shoulder. "I have to go pick up my wife. I told her I'd get her at five-thirty."

"What wife? You don't have a wife."

"Sure I do. She's a monstrous woman with an unhealthy addiction to sukonbu."

It took the Vice Commander a few seconds to place her. "Wait, you mean the girl that lives with that silver-haired bastard?"

"Yeah, that one."

"What the heck? When did you marry her?"

"This morning."

"Did you guys even date?"

"No."

Hijikata raised an eyebrow in suspicion. "Are you two even in love?"

Okita scoffed. "Of course not. I'd never fall for a stupid woman like that."

" _Then why are you married to her?!_ "

"'Cause it seemed like an interesting way to pass the time. And I'm gonna enjoy making her cry."

"You sadistic bastard."

"Well, I'm off," Okita said with a wave. "See ya tomorrow. Actually, die in your sleep, Hijikata."

"I hope that Yato girl kills you tonight, Okita."

"Not unless I spear her first." Sougo shut the door, leaving a stunned Hijikata in his wake.

"Did he just…? Was that really an innuendo just now?" He took out his cigarette and smashed the end into the ash tray. "God, I really need to get my mind out of the gutter. There's no way he'd even think of doing *that* with her. No freakin' way." 

* * *

"I swear, if that monster dog of yours craps on my carpet, I'll kill him," Sougo said as he led his new wife into his apartment.

"If you touch one hair on Sadaharu, I'll rip all yours off!" Kagura snapped as she walked in. Suddenly, both words and air were leeched from her lungs as she gaped at the apartment. It was twice the size of the Yorozuya with all the amenities that were way too expensive for them to even think about owning. But her favorite thing by far was the full-sized refrigerator. She eyed it with open lust as she crept closer and finally nosed her way in to see what was inside.

It was practically empty.

"What the heck? Why do you have a fridge this size if you don't put any food in it?"

"Until this morning, I was a bachelor. I go shopping when there's nothing left to eat. I think there are some expired soybeans left in there. Help yourself. But if you eat them all, you have to go buy more."

Kagura growled. "What are we supposed to have for dinner then? I'm hungry!"

"You're always hungry, aren't you? Fine, here." He tossed her a wad of bills. "Go to the grocery store and pick up some food. I don't care what it is. Just make sure it's good."

Kagura stared at the stack of cash she held in her hand. Had she ever held this much money in her life? She didn't think so.

"And you'd better not waste it all on food. I expect you need some feminine stuff too. Just don't come back too late."

A little put-off by his generous attitude, Kagura skipped off to the store. She returned an hour later bearing all sorts of food and essentials, and she even had money to spare. Was this guy loaded or what? These government slaves sure knew how to line their pockets.

When she got back to the apartment, she didn't see her husband in the kitchen, so she set about putting away the food and making a quick dinner, since it was so late. She thought about just making enough for herself –the point of this marriage, after all, was to drive him to divorce– but since he had been kind enough to give her that much money to buy food, she figured she could be kind enough to make some of it for him.

Several minutes later, as she was at the stove, she heard his footsteps enter the kitchen. "Oi, what smells?"

"I think you mean, 'what smells so good, my darling wife,' don't you?" she demanded, turning around. Suddenly she shrieked.

"What?" he asked, grabbing an apple she had left on the table and biting into it.

"Why are you…why are you–? PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!"

Sougo looked down. "Geez, woman, I have a towel on. What's the matter? That boss of yours never runs around in a towel?"

"No, because the first time he did, I kicked him into next week for it!"

"Well, better get used to it," Sougo answered, taking another bite. "'Cause we still have to get through our wedding night."

"W-Wedding night. Right. …But you can only have those if you've had a wedding, stupid."

Sougo shrugged. "We signed papers this morning. We're not having a ceremony. Same difference. Let's hurry and eat so we can get it over with."

His casual words sparked a flare in Kagura's pride. "Oh, so you think sex with me is something to just 'get over with?'"

"You said it yourself. You're an innocent. I'm not expecting much."

Kagura ground her teeth so forcefully, Sougo heard it. "What, and you're not?"

"I didn't say that."

"So you are?"

"I didn't say that either."

"So what _are_ you saying?"

"I'm saying that I haven't said anything about my innocence."

"Then say something, dang it!"

"I hope you like it rough." His eyes sent the challenge her way.

Kagura grinned back at him. "I thought that was the only way to get it done. Get ready, Sadist. I'm gonna screw you into the floor."

Sougo leered. "Just try it."

Dinner forgotten, Kagura leapt at him, kicking him onto the living room floor. She straddled him and held him down, while he lay compliantly, waiting.

And he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"I thought you were gonna screw me into the floor."

"Shut up! I'm an innocent, so I don't know the best way to go about this!"

Sougo sighed. "Fine. Let me." He flipped her over suddenly and started unbuttoning her qipao. Kagura suddenly punched him in the gut.

"Pervert!"

"Idiot," Sougo wheezed, "how else are we supposed to do this if you have all your clothes on?"

"Oh. Yeah."

"Just take them off, will you? And don't punch me again, or we'll get nowhere tonight."

"Fine!" She reached for the knots of her qipao, ready to continue where he had left off, but she froze. Of course, the girl had always been modest and never worn anything that even revealed her belly to the casual observer, let alone the men she lived with. Disrobing in front of the Sadist was asking a little much.

"I knew you couldn't do it. I guess you forfeit this round," Okita said, standing up.

"No!" Kagura shouted, and with her aim to win reignited, she tore off her top and pants and was left sitting in only her underwear.

"Now we're getting somewhere." Okita knelt back down, pulled her to him, and kissed her. She ripped her lips from his and head-butted him.

"What do you think you're doing?!"

Okita watched her like a dead fish and said in his typical deadpan voice, "If you can't even handle a kiss, how are you going to handle sex?"

"I can handle a kiss!" she retorted, and with that, she attacked his lips in a manner little better than an anteater slurping up ants.

Sougo pulled back. "Not that way! If you're gonna use your tongue, don't slobber on me. Stick it in my mouth."

"Ew! Why would I do that?"

"Because that's how you're supposed to kiss, idiot. Kissing is just another battle, except it's with the tongue."

"It is?"

"Yeah."

"Does that mean sex is a battle with…you know? The privates?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Oh. Why didn't you tell me that before? That changes everything."

"It does?"

It did. Kagura attacked him again with renewed vigor and slipped her tongue past his defenses. She ravaged his mouth and he fought back, trying to push back into her mouth and gain control. They battled back and forth before they finally had to pull apart and take several deep breaths.

"So what, is that it?" she asked, wiping away some spit at the corner of her lips.

"Not even close." He closed in on her again, but instead of going for her lips, he latched himself onto her neck. Kagura froze in shock, feeling the sensation both pleasant and eerie, and in her stupor, Sougo undid the clasp on her bra. He ripped it off her and attacked her breasts with bites and kisses.

"H-Hey," she gasped, overwhelmed by the sensations he was bringing upon her. "What are you doing?"

"Getting you in the mood," he said, delivering a swift stroke with his tongue to a particularly sensitive spot. Her breath hitched.

Why would he want to get her in the mood? Wasn't he a Sadist? Shouldn't be just do her and be done with it, whether she was ready or not? She had to ask.

"W-Why, Sadist?"

He looked up and smirked at her. "Because I'm totally undoing you. Your brain's so scrambled, you actually think I'm being nice. I'm gonna enjoy really screwing with your brain later."

The door to the sympathetic part of her brain slammed shut. "As if. There's nothing you can do that will affect me anymore."

"Oh yeah?" In one swift motion, he pulled off her panties. She curled up instinctively against his gaze, but he forced her legs back down, pried her legs apart, and stroked her center.

Kagura's heart almost jerked out of her chest. But when she saw the triumphant look on his face, she knew she couldn't let him get the upper hand.

 _Two can plan this game_ , she thought. She suddenly pulled down his towel, and as he froze in shock, she reached for that foreign part of his anatomy and stroked him just as he had her. He jerked so badly that she laughed. "Ha! Look who's undone now."

"You know," Sougo gasped, fighting the urge to moan, "there's still the ultimate test."

That held her attention. "What test?" she asked, sending her fingers over him once again. He rubbed her in response so that the both of them were tingling with suppressed pleasure.

"First to…to orgasm…wins," he said.

She frowned. "Hey, that's h-hardly fair. It hurts a girl's first time. It's hard to get over a pain like that fast enough to get pleasure before the guy does."

Sougo raised an eyebrow. "So you're saying you need a handicap?" He rubbed her between his fingers again and she almost moaned.

"Fat… _chance_!" she shouted, suddenly grabbing him and forcing him onto his back. Without another thought, she impaled herself on him, wincing when he broke through her barrier.

"Oi, China. Wait, are you okay?"

"Never…better," she hissed. She took a deep breath and suddenly started grinding like Gin-chan's porn she had secretly read had said to do, until she was going at such a pace that she was jackhammering into him.

"Oi, oi, C-China," Sougo said, "You keep that up, you're gonna b-break my balls."

She smirked. "Do I need to slow down for you, Sadist? I thought you wanted it rough."

"No, I'm just saying that at this rate, you'll probably break your vagina too."

"My vagina's made of tougher stuff than that! And if your balls can't handle this, then there's no way you'll last with me for your wife. But I suppose I can slow down if you need me to."

"China, you seem pretty attached to this idea of slowing down. If you need to take it down a notch, that's okay, but I'm good right now. I could keep this up all night."

"Yeah, right! I bet you're not even close to orgasm. I'm totally on the blink!"

"I think you mean, on the brink."

"Whatever."

"You may be on the brink, but so am I. I'll still finish before you."

"In your dreams!"

They continued on in such a manner that when they each finally did climax (simultaneously, as it were), they didn't notice until a full minute had passed.

"I…I was totally first," Kagura said, falling onto her side on the floor.

"No way. I was. I felt it," Sougo replied, pulling out of her.

"We won't…settle it…this way," Kagura heaved. "Best…two…out of…three."

Sougo took deep breaths. "I'm game, China, but you have to give me some time. I can't just get it back up like that," he said, snapping his fingers.

She leered. "You're weak."

"Am not. It's like that…for all guys."

Kagura just shook her head. "You're. _Weak_."

Sougo chuckled. "Try all you want, China, but not even you could get it back up."

"Oh, couldn't I?" Sougo looked at her sharply, but she suddenly wasn't there anymore. Instead, her head was somewhere else.

In his crotch.

"Oi, hey, China. What are you doi–OI!" he gasped as she gave him a lick from base to tip. "W-What are you–?"

"What's it look like I'm doing?" she asked, giving him a sexy stare (did he really just think of her as sexy?). Where had she learned that sort of thing?

"I thought you were an inno–CENT!" he gasped when she put her mouth around him.

"Gin-chan leaves his porn out in the open. I got bored when he took his naps," she answered, and then went back to the deed.

"It won't…it won't work," he hissed, although he himself was beginning to doubt that, because _damn_ , it felt good.

A few licks later and she pulled back and licked her lips like a cat licking cream off his chops. "You were saying?"

Sougo looked at himself in amazement. Well shoot him with a bazooka. She had done it. Now why wasn't she _on_ it, blast her?

"Well, go on," he said. "Best two out of three."

She gave what sounded to be a long-suffering sigh. "Oh, if I must. I suppose I could reap some benefit from all my work. After all, it's not like you could have done as well with me." She paused, then added, "With just your mouth."

They locked gazes again, and he saw the challenge in her eyes. Darn, but he wouldn't be able to screw her again in good conscience until he had her as aroused as he was.

"I'll do you better. I'll make you come." Then he locked his legs around her, sent her down onto her back, crawled over her, and bent down to lavish his tongue upon her entrance.

Their dinner boiled over on the stove and the water eventually evaporated from the pot, leaving a charbroiled mess. But neither noticed because neither went back to the kitchen that night. In fact, neither one got up from the floor until they both feel asleep watching each other to see who gave in to their exhaustion first.

Neither could recall that morning if someone had won. 

* * *

_Some nine months later..._

"GAHHHH. SADIST, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"China, shhh. We're in a hospital. Please stand here, Nurse-san."

"Stop using the nurse as a shield! Come and take your punishment like a man!"

"It's the pain talking, China. You'll regret killing me tomorrow."

"No I won't! This is all your fault, and I'll make you suffer for it!"

"It's hardly just _my_ fault, China. If you hadn't been ovulating, this wouldn't have happened."

"I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Okita-san, please calm down," the nurse said to Kagura. She growled when she heard the name, still hating the sound of it attached to her person.

"I'll just wait out here," Sougo said as the nurses wheeled a sweating, profusely pregnant Kagura into a room.

"GET IN HERE, SADIST, AND I'LL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF LATER!"

"Don't you mean "or you'll rip my balls off later"?"

"No, I mean AND!"

"That's not very enticing, China."

"Okita-san," another nurse said, approaching the young man. "I must insist you come inside and appease your wife. While irate mothers-to-be are quite normal, your wife is disrupting the peace."

Sougo sighed. "Very well, if you insist. I'll calm her down."

Sougo walked inside the hospital room and into the area where his wife was curtained off from the rest of the patients trying to rest. They had already restrained her to the bed like she was a lunatic instead of a pregnant woman.

"I'm gonna kill you, Sadist. This _hurts_!"

"Now, now," he said, taking a seat next to her and taking her hand, patting it. "Only weak women scream when giving birth."

" _Excuse me_?!"

"You heard me. I thought you said that since you were a Yato, you were stronger than mere human women. So you shouldn't scream when you're in labor."

"All women scream, you idiot!"

"Oh? Well I have to say, I expected better of you, China. But I guess even you aren't strong enough to keep your head straight in labor."

Kagura suddenly grasped his hand in a beyond-death grip. "I…won't…scream."

"And epidurals are cheating."

Kagura threw him look that said, _Disembowel yourself._ Actually, she said it aloud too.

Sougo nodded. "That's the China I know."

Her labor lasted for hours, but she bore with it. Meanwhile, Sougo lost feeling in his hand after a couple minutes and it took on a corpse-like color and appearance in a few more. But he didn't (or rather couldn't) remove his hand, so he just left it there.

As the hours passed, he couldn't help but reflect on the past few months that had brought them to this moment. Little had he known when, on a mere challenged whim, he took Kagura for his wife that she would quickly come to bear his children.

Honestly, he hadn't thought that far ahead. He had assumed they would be divorced by the end of the week because she would have given in. Yet months passed and neither gave up.

One night though, about five months into their marriage, he came home to find Kagura entertaining Gintoki, Shinpachi, and Otae, and the darn girl had pretty much raided both the fridge and the cabinets for all his food, which the others were devouring with gusto.

He was about to call out that he was home when Kagura stopped eating halfway through her bowl (a marvel in and of itself) and frowned. She looked down at her stomach and poked it. Suddenly she cried out.

"Gyah! My stomach's alive! I poked it and it poked back!"

"What?!" Shinpachi screamed, choking on his rice.

Gin looked into his rice. "Did that sadist husband of yours put something in the rice to make you hallucinate? That'd just make his day."

"No, Gin-chan, something really poked me." She poked herself again and squealed, apparently, when her stomach returned the sentiment. "Gin-chan, I think there's an alien growing inside me."

"Huh?" both men asked.

"You know how we fought Prince Baka's giant pet alien parasite a couple weeks ago? I think when it scratched me it laid its eggs in my stomach, and when they're grown, they're gonna rip out of me like in Alien."

Otae, however, looked doubtful. "Kagura-chan, I don't mean to pry, but has that sadist husband of yours done anything improper to you?"

"Huh?" his wife asked distractedly as she got into a poking war with her stomach.

"Kagura-chan…there are certain things that men want to do to pretty little girls like yourself. Dirty, disgusting, terrible things–"

"Like the stuff in Gin-chan's porn?"

Otae socked Gin on the back of the head. "Exactly."

"Oh. Yeah. Sadist does that to me every night. Sometimes two or three times."

" _ST-ST-STAMINA_!" Gin and Shinpachi gasped in utter shock before Otae hit Gin again over the head and Shinpachi fainted from an overdose of TMI.

Otae cracked her knuckles. "Shall I kill him for you, Kagura-chan?"

"Eh? Why?"

Otae cracked her neck from side to side. "As if doing *this* and *that* to you isn't enough, Kagura-chan, I believe that bastard has impregnated you with his sadist spawn."

Kagura's eyes widened. "You mean I'm having a baby?" To herself she muttered, "The porn never mentioned this possibility…."

Sogou casually walked into the living room and finally spoke up. "Huh. And here I thought you were just getting fat because you've been scarfing down so much sukonbu lately. Turns out you really were ovulating this time around. Life just comes full circle, doesn't it?" He turned to face his wife, who was starting to pop veins at his coarse comments. "And what's this I hear about you fighting alien parasites while carrying my spawn, China? I'll have to punish you later for being so reckless."

Otae beating on him effectively ended his memory of that night.

"Push Okita-san. Yes, there, I see the head!"

Sougo snapped out of his reverie and glanced at China, whom he saw glancing at him, despite her straining to push.

 _This is it,_ he thought. _The winner will be decided shortly._

 _The ultimate battle – the root of them all,_ Kagura thought.

 _THE BATTLE OF DNA,_ they both mentally shouted, glaring knowingly at each other. _Whose genes are stronger?!_

Wailing filled the air. "There! Okita-san, you're the proud father of a baby boy," one of the doctors said, cutting the cord and beginning to clean the baby. Once he had him cleaned and wrapped up, he handed him to Sougo. Kagura leaned over the railing, panting hard, to get a closer look.

"Hey," Sougo and Kagura said simultaneously.

"Why aren't his eyes open?" Kagura asked.

"How are we supposed to tell what color eyes he has?" Sougo sighed.

The doctor blinked, taken aback by the new parents' first reaction. "Er…most babies are born with their eyes closed. They'll open soon."

"Tch," Kagura spat. "Well, at least he has my hair."

"What are you talking about? That's not red, that's blonde. Get your eyes checked, China."

"How can you tell? There's barely any of it there!"

Sougo peered at him again and then shrugged. "Well, at least I won the battle of the sexes. Since he's a boy, I win."

"You jerk, that's no battle! I have no control over that, idiot. Your chromosomes are having a battle against themselves."

"We men still outnumber your mother in a two-to-one male-to-female ratio, don't we little guy?" he asked tapping his son's nose.

"Like he understands what you're say–" she suddenly gasped, feeling her belly contract again and then smirked. _My trump card_ , she thought.

Kagura's mother had always told her that women who only smiled at the beginning of a marriage grew up to be old hags, but women who smiled throughout their marriage lived well. Of course, smirking and smiling were two rather different things, but as far as Kagura was concerned, it counted. There was no way she was going to let the Super-Sadist turn her into an old hag, so she met every challenge with an enormously creepy grin.

Of course, on some level, she also realized that the grins were involuntary and that she actually enjoyed their battles. Oh, he could die for all she cared, but she would miss the fights that made her blood race. And right now, she could almost taste her come-from-behind victory.

She started to push again, and through the pain, she kept grinning like a madwoman.

"Oh!" the doctor cried out. "Okita-san, why didn't you tell us you were having twins?"

"Twins?" Sougo echoed, actually shocked for once. He looked over to his wife to share in the surprise, but instead found her chuckling evilly.

"Heh. You should've seen your face. I haven't seen you look that shocked since I gave you that first blowjob."

Sougo's eyes hardened. "You knew?"

"Yep. Had to go to the doctor, didn't I?"

"And you didn't tell me?"

"Big sis told me you didn't deserve to know until it popped out. S-Said it was…payback for…the dirty, nasty things you did to me."

"I see," Sougo answered flatly, his voice like ice. But Kagura ignored him, continuing to push until their second child's cries filled the air.

"Okita-san, I'm impressed. I don't think I've ever heard a woman go through natural birth without screaming. Well done! And congratulations on your new daughter." A nurse handed the daughter to Kagura, who grinned upon seeing her. "Ha! Now _that_ 's red hair!" _Take that, Sadist – we're even again._

"Let me see," Sougo said, craning to see his daughter. "Tch, yeah, I suppose so. But it's brighter than his, so he has to have my hair."

During the next hour, the babies' eyes opened and they were both relieved and dismayed to see that their son had bright blue eyes and their daughter had deep crimson ones.

Having swapped babies at some point, Kagura later cuddled her son, cooing at him. "Look at you, precious, with those beautiful blue eyes. You're going to be a strong little Yato, I just know it. You're just the cutest little thing…even if you have hair like your stupid sadist father's. But I won't hold it against you. No I won't." Then she lowered her voice to a loud whisper, "It suits you so much better anyway."

"I've suddenly decided I don't want you talking to my children. Give him here," Sougo said, cradling his daughter in one arm and holding out his hand for the other.

"In your dreams, Sadist. They're my children too and I can talk to them however I want to."

"You'll corrupt them with your stupidity."

"Better than corrupting them with sadism."

"They can't be corrupted if it's in their blood. I'm sure I've passed on a sadist gene."

"You idiot – sadism isn't hereditary! Besides, Yato genes will prevail over human ones."

Sougo looked at his children again. "This is hardly settled, China. We're going to need a few more kids before the winner of this battle is decided."

"Eh…what?"

And that's how it came to pass that by the time Kagura finally hit menopause (or as Sougo called it, "losing the battle of reproduction," to which she replied that it was a "fixed battle"), she had borne him twenty-six children: thirteen girls and thirteen boys; thirteen blondes and thirteen redheads; and thirteen with blue eyes and thirteen with red eyes. And they all grew up to be violent little sadists.

And neither of their parents ever cried "divorce."

* * *

 **AN** : I hope you all enjoyed the story! Not only is it my first crack at Gintama, but also my first fanfic in YEARS. For any diehard Gintama fans, I apologize if there is any incorrect or outdated information in the story. When I wrote this a year ago, I only got so far in the anime before stopping…and I haven't watched since. Thanks for reading and PLEASE REVIEW!


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